Secret Life of the British Wizard
by Luke051
Summary: Hogwarts was somewhat peaceful during years 1-3. Time to see the everyday lives Harry, Hermoine, Ron, Draco, Snape, Dumbledore, Neville, Mrs.Norris, Charlies, Kent, Lego, Duddly, Voldemort, Sorting Hat and the rest. Just a bunch of random dribbles,though.
1. Potions Class, Year Three, Day One

Author's Note Used to Give the Story More Words: First fic, huh. Of course, I tried to make a serious fic, but I suck at anything not comedy. I usually get stuck writing paragraph four. Or before four. Alright, hoping this is good, and I continue this, (plus actually post it), the formula for each chapter should go like this. The chapter will be about either one subject, or one day. Each subject will have about four/five short stories about it. Very short. Don't blame me if you find other material in mine. Just give yourself a cookie for knowing the reference. Anyway, enough stalling, lets-a-go.

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Chapter one: Potions class, Year Three, Day One

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"Good Morning, though you can never tell in these dungeons." said a certain man. That man was known by his friends as Snape. He was also known by his enemies as Snape. It seemed that everyone knew him as Snape. Snape was a tall man who looked like Alan Rickman with long black hair.

"Welcome, to your first day in third year Potions class," Snape said. "Today, you will be making a Wiggenweld Potion. Or at least will try." He added with a smirk at Neville Longbottom, who contrarily, did not actually have such a long bottom.

"First, I need to know if anyone here actually knows the ingredients for one. I doubt it, considering most of you are brainless idiots who…" "One pint of Horklump juice, 2 drops of Flobberworm Mucus,7 Chizpurfle fangs, Billywig sting slime, A sprig of mint, Boom Berry juice, One stewed Mandrake, Drops of Honeywater, Sloth brain Mucus, Moondew drops, Powdered root of asphodel, Shredded dittany, Wiggentree bark, Moly petals, Salamander blood , and 10 Lionfish spines!" said a Hermione Granger, whom you should already know.

"Correct. 5 points from Gryffindor for interrupting me. Anyway, since our local smartass here already knows the meaning of life, the universe, and everything, you Gryffies obviously do not need help, I expect everything to be perfect." He said, throwing a throwing a threatening glace at Neville.

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"This is annoying" muttered a certain 13 year old black haired boy with a scar on face, while trying to make some Boom Berry juice. His name was Charles Fleemer. He got a scar on his face from when his parents died when he was one. Some lunatic brought him to his uncles in a burger king bag on a motorcycle. They hit a speed bump, and apparently he got cut by a Whopper somehow.

"Tell me about it," said Harry Potter. The Harry Potter. The Harry J Potter. The Boy who lived. The Boy who is still living. The Artist formally known as the Boy who lived. Lightning face. Harry James Potter. Harry J. Potter. HP (Sadly not Lovecraft). H to the a to the r to the r to the y. Or simply Potter. He was sitting with Ron Weasley. Ron, sadly, was not called by anything else.

Harry was also trying to get some of the Boom Berry's juice to come out of the berry. Ron looked at Harry. "You have to bite it, mate, suck up the juice, and spit it in the cauldron." He said. "Isn't that really gross, though?" "Yep, but isn't Snape going to drink it?" This Brightened up Harry.

"5 points from Gryffindor for talking," said Snape. Snape did not notice the loud noise from Slytherin. Just the quiet one from Gryffindor. Snape was strange that way.

*******

Harry worked quietly away, trying to ignore that laughter from Slytherin on the other side of the room. Harry wondered what all that bloody fuss was about. Nothing much, probably. They knew they would get good grades without doing much anyway as long as Snape was Potions master. Besides, there was in no way that even in three years would Snape not be their Potions teacher. Harry doubted that Snape would get a position of power by even four years. And everyone knows how much could happen between Harry's fourth and seventh years. "Not much, probably."

That also seemed to the chance of origami flying up to him that looked like it could be from a textbook. Harry noticed it flatten once in was on his table. Harry bended over on his desk to look. Ron had as well. Harry's desk, though. Not his own. That would be stupid. Harry muttered some words that were written on the paper. "If you like me check one- the hell is this?" he said.

Harry looked around the room. He saw Snape reading some magazine called Witch's Digest and was relived, if not confused to that Snape did not see or hear anything. He looked around the room to find who made this. Besides Ron, he found one person not looking at the potion ingredients. "Go ahead Potter," said Draco Malfoy. "Check one."

*******

Neville stared hopelessly into his cauldron. Oh, how he longed for "Professor" Snape to take a swim in the Hogwarts water outside and either to have forgotten he ate 5 minutes ago, get attacked by the giant squid, get a stroke then and there, get murdered and attacked by fangirls who want his skin for theirs or, worst of all, get really, really, pruned. Muhahahahaha.

Neville knew how much it would hurt. Not that anything listed up there actually happened to him before. More like all of it. At once. Anyway, Neville really longed for this to come true. How he wanted it to be. How he wished it to be. Then again, he also wished to be an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what he'd truly like to be, cause if he was an Oscar Meyer wiener…damn song.

Neville sighed. He bended over to look in his cauldron to see if it had turned the right shade of green yet. He saw that it did, and turned away to get one of his last ingredients. Draco was doing the same thing. He was checking to see if it was green, but it was instead a shade of yellow. Draco hissed. He was angry. Goyle hissed. He just wanted to.

"Professor," said Draco, "Longbottom threw something into my cauldron!" Snape looked furiously at Neville. Draco smirked at Neville. Neville nearly wet himself. Snape uttered the barley heard words loudly. "5 points from Gryffindor." Hermione raised her hand. "Ugh, fine Granger, what is it?" "It would be very unlikely for Neville to throw it into Draco's cauldron." "Why do you say that, Miss Granger?" "There both two different sides of the room. And both against the wall, to boot."

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End Note: First chapter done. If anyone can see the reference (not Oscar Meyer. Too obvious.) You get a cookie. Please review. Not too harshly, though. I am a n00b.


	2. Starting the Stoning

Author's Note: Here I am, writing Chapter 2 about 4 hours after I posted Chapter 1 (About 9:30). Anyway, enough stuff about how my life has no meaning, this chapter will be about the first few chapters of Sorcerer's Stone. Philosopher's Stone. Kidney Stone. Whatever.

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Chapter Two: Starting the Stoning.

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Vernon Dursley had a rather good day at Grunnings. He yelled at about five different people, had a sandwich, used the toilet immediately afterwards, yelled at a new guy, ran back to the bathroom, had another sandwich, punched someone in the face, yelled at some lady who did not even work there, stole some person's wallet, laughed at some little boy when his ice cream fell out of his cone and ate another sandwich.

He now left his job because it was his lunch break. Vernon had already paid for and eaten at five stores already. Paid for with the stolen wallet, of course. Vernon was no fool. Just a walrus like naked ape creature. With a mustache. Vernon heard his stomach rumble and went into the first store he saw. It was a dress shop.

He looked around the dress store for the dress that looked the most eatable. He looked at his watch. He still had time to yell at some more people later. He walked up to a dress, when this bald old man with a robe walked up to him. To Vernon, he thought he was Jewish.

The small funny old man was smiling. He hugged Vernon. Which really is not a good idea as he is still hungry. "Even muggles like yourself should be celebrating!" said…..take a wild guess. The man ran off insanely. Vernon was puzzled for a moment, before heading to his car. "Yeah, 'Cthulhu fhtagn', to you too, buddy."

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An old man walked up to Number 4, Little Whinging, Surrey. This old man, however, was a different one than the other old man last story. He was much older. This man had a beard that might have an entire rugby team in it, and no one would notice as they would struggle to get out. The man walked up to a cat. Charming, isn't he?

"Hello, Professor McGonagall," said the man, to the CAT. Then the cat transformed into an old lady. Not anywhere near as old as the man, though. About one hundred years younger. "Hello, Albus." Albus, who was called usually Dumbledore, smiled. McGonagall didn't, though. "Is it true what happened, Albus?" "It is." "And the boy?" "Hagrid's bringing him here." "Are you sure Hagrid could handle such a responsibility?" "I have faith in him."

They both heard a noise, turned, and saw a half-giant on a flying motorcycle fly by. He landed. Duh. Anyway, the large man (he was tied with Vernon in terms of heftiness) got off and he walked up to Dumbledore. "I got 'em in ere." He said.

Dumbledore looked at the man and said "Wrong house." The man looked bashful. "Oh. I was supposed to deliver Charles Fleemer."

**********

"Albus," said McGonagall "Is it safe to leave Harry with these people? They are the worst sort of Muggles." Albus looked straight at her. He put Harry down on the Dursley's front doorstep. "Not in the least."

**********

Neither the books nor the movies tell us what happened next. So I'll make it up. I can only assume that it goes a little something like this:

"Petunia!" said Vernon. "There are only 5 bottles of milk for my breakfast! You know I need 7! Can you please go to the store and buy some?" he said pleadingly. Petunia was a very, very, very, very scraw-very, very, very scrawny woman with a large giraffe neck. She was REALLY skinner compared to her husband. Like a tree and a stick. Hmm……wonder how they had a son if……AH MY BRAIN! IT HURTS SO MUCH! WHY ME? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Petunia walked out of the house, and say Harry on the doorstep. "Oh crap." She muttered. Dudley, meanwhile, was having fun today. He shoved food down his diaper, ate a bit, flung it at the wall, pooped in his pants, ate more, pooped, spit up on himself, pooped a third time, vomited over Vernon, punched his food, ripped some of it, bit his bottle, and choked.

Petunia got back in the house, looking nervous. "Hey honey!" said Vernon. "I have some news." Petunia gave a nervous laugh. "Heh, well I have some too, but you can say yours first, dear." Vernon lighted up. "Dudders said his first sentence!" "Wow, really?!?" "Yep." "Well, Vernon, what was it?" "Well, Dudders looked at me and said 'Go to hell you awful pig man!'"

*********

Harry Potter spent the next few years of his life in that horrible place. He hated it, obviously. Harry remembers being once bitten by a spider when about 5, and went up to Vernon to tell him about the bump on his finger. His answer? "Compensating for something, Harry?"

Anyway, Harry was sleeping in the fetal position tonight, as he has no room in there otherwise. Petunia walked up to the door of the cabinet under the stairs, and politely said "WAKE THE HELL UP SLAVE!" Harry jumped up, and hit his head. Petunia left, when Dudley came, and jumped on the stairs. Harry could not tell, he usually felt the same weight every day.

Harry left the room, only for Dudley to push him back in. Kind of a waste to wake him up in the first place, isn't it not? Anyway, the jolly good fellow Harry got out of the cupboard to make 10 pancakes. After finishing Vernon's breakfast appetizer, he makes 30 more. He then make Petunia's and Dudley's pancakes.

Harry put the food on the table, and set out to make his, before Vernon said "Massage my feet, binky boy." Harry, truthfully, had to face this crap every day. Because, you know, it's legal. Harry walked up to the dishes, and made some pancakes for himself, wishing death would approach faster.

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End Note: This took a while. This took like two hours. Well, considering I ate, had to leave my laptop for 30 minutes for a microscope and to play some Smash Bros, I see why. Please Review. Or Subscribe. Or both.


	3. Glittery Mockhart

Author's Emmy Winning Note, Please Help Me to Hold My Tears, I'm So Surprised IDidn't Come up with a Speech! Okay, *ahem*: Right, Chapter 3. I Chamber of Secrets one, as it is so far the only one of the first three I did not do. Now, time to introduce both the character I hate the most, and also the first Defense against the Dark Arts teacher! Gilderoy Lockhart! Yes, I hate him more than Voldemort. I hate him more than Malfoy. (Lucius.) He was tied with the Dursleys, but the last book changed my mind. Anyway……..

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Chapter Three: Glittery Mockhart.

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"Welcome, ladies, welcome! This is the one, the only, the _it would be very weird if I WASN'T the one, the only,_ Gilderoy Lockhart!" said Gilderoy Lockhart. He was at a stand where it said "Meet Gilderoy Lockhart, LIVE and IN PERSON!" Many women came to see Gilderoy Lockhart. They were now seeing Gilderoy Lockhart. The women believed that they would enjoy seeing Gilderoy Lockhart. They were enjoying seeing Gilderoy Lockhart.

There was something, though. There were men there, too. They did not enjoy seeing Gilderoy Lockhart.

Not for free, not in a tree.

Not for money, not cause it's funny.

Not with a box, not with a fox.

Not for about $5, not for slightly more or less than about $5.

Not for haulers, not for people who were not haulers sitting right by the people who were haulers.

Not for a clam, not for spam.

Not for cousin Fred, not to get in bed.

Not for crimes, not for rhymes. (That's what I'm here for.)

Not for your dolla, not for your mama.

Not for spam, not for a clam.

Not for the mighty cow, non for wherefore art thou?

Not for a song, but possibly for a thong.

I do not like Gilderoy Lockhart, women-you-are, I do not like him. I am here for the restroom, you see, so women-you-are, women-you-are, just let me go and pee!

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"Ladies, ladies, don't punch and shove to get to me. Wait until you buy a mud pit, then you can make some serious cash!" said Gilderoy Lockhart. He was currently walking around the females. They had paper out in from of them. They gasped as he pointed his mighty….wand……..at the tissue like substance………..which the females were holding in their hands. Yeah.

Lockhart walked up to them all and signed them all with a flick of his wand. It was one of few spells he actually DID bother to learn. Meanwhile, many of the guys there got mad that their autograph paper was written on. They left the stand. They knew they were in the wrong place. They thought it was Leonheart, not Lockhart.

Lockhart then walked up to and talked to many of his happy fan girls. Even though many Lockhart assumed that they might be Dumbledore's great great grandmothers. They were all beaming up at Lockhart, and he was happy for all the attention. But one lady was not smiling. She looked rather depressed. Lockhart walked up to her. "Hello, miss. It's me, the sensational, loved by many, and very nice guy by both attractiveness, and heart, Gilderoy Lockhart. Though I doubt a girl like you already knows that." He said.

This, despite of the fact that being smiled upon by Lockhart would make most women's heart melt, both literally and figuratively, this woman was angry. The woman stood up to Lockhart, and gave him a face with utter hatred. "Do you know who I am? Well, very famous, that's what. I already have a child, by the way. Also, it you want to know, my name is LUCIUS MALFOY!" said Lucius. He stormed off while Lockhart stood there puzzled. "How rude."

*************

Lockhart woke up. He stretched, and then got out of bed. He got to his mirror, which is close to his bed. He sleeps well knowing someone as devilishly sexy as him was there. He looked at his* hair. It was absolutely perfect. He smiled at himself, and went to eat. Soon, he went to brush his teeth. It was so shiny that once that very certain day he looked at the sun, and winched. His mouth was open, though, so some sunlight reflected off of his teeth, and fried a bird, and promptly fell into a KFC. Gilderoy got paid a lot of money (also known as moolah.) that day.

Lockhart got out of his house, only to remember he just took a shower. Running back into his house, he got some clothes, remembered to put his keys in his pocket (In his own words, he said "I kind of forgot what to say when casting Alohomora.") and also remembered to get his wizard coins, and also his 'Muggle money' (The so called "Muggle Money" is actually money he got from a man who said he could own a bridge. When Lockhart declined, he said he could also switch wizard money with Muggle money, just in case. Lockhart gave him 10 galleons, in exchange for $10. 10, Monopoly, dollars.)

Lockhart then came outside, said hello to some people, played with a kid, and got more Monopoly money. Then, something extraordinary happened. A bird pooped on his shoulder. He screamed. A kid nearby laughed. He then got punched in the face. "This does not look so good." said Lockhart, after laughing manically. Then, something unusual happened. A bunch of police rounded up on Lockhart. "Oh, come ON!" he whispered. "Got to have to find a way out of here quietly" he screamed. Then, he looked in a direction. Then he looked at his feet, which were sturdy on the floor. Then he looked at the floor of the direction he was staring at before he stared at his two feet, if you do not remember, then it is advised you read the past two sentences. Then, Lockhart kneed the cop in front of him, and ran toward the street toward his house. A car came by, and something magical happened, as he saw a bird, the car, and the police man on the floor in the fetal position.

He woke up.

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"Harry, why did you do that?" asked Hermione. She was walking down Diagon Alley, after he was in Knocktern Alley, just a bit away from Ain Alley. Harry shrugged. "I don't know. I just felt I little unused today."

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End Note: I might have made Lockhart a little too likeable sounding. Whatever, I can't tell if it makes it funnier. It's my writing, after all.

*This is the 666th word in this Chapter. Weird it is about Lockhart, huh?

Where's my damned award?


	4. Getting Dursley With It

Author's Highly Skip Able Note: (I do not own any of the characters used in this fan fic. Everything copyright JK Rowling. She made everything. Except Charles. Use him and I'll sue your ass off.) I was gone for a while. A few days with no chapter is not a lot for most writers, but since mine is so short, I guess it is. Blame Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days. Anyway, doubt it matters much. I have probably no more than 6 readers, anyway. Right, time to stop complaining and time to start getting on with it. Ahem…

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Chapter 4: Getting Dursley with it.

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Dudley had just received a stick. The stick was in fact both large and wooden. Apparently it was to be used in school. The way it was to be used is apparently to hit other people with it when the teacher's not looking. Since teachers will not notice a giant wooden object being carried by everyone in class. And no one could forget that it cannot fit in a 5th Grader's backpack. They were sold as "Smeltings Sticks." They did not sell that well, but if they are made by a school, a school named "Smeltings" to boot, and were just simply wood, then they really should have seen that coming for them.

Harry got annoyed by this. Not just because he didn't get one either. The reason was because Dudley was currently banging it on the table. As the local slave, Harry had to clean anything and everything they did. Anyway, mail came. There was a male outside. He was jogging. The male said "hi" to the male mailman who was putting mail in the mostly males family's house. Male.

"Get the mail, boy." said Vernon. He and Petunia were there also, I forgot to mention, but you probably had figured out anyway, and they must have already been in your imagination. Male. Harry stood up, grumbling, and got to the mail slot. He looked down at the pile of letters on the floor. He looked through them. "Bills, bills, spam, ad, crap, and bills …what's this?" said Harry. "Harry J. Potter. I got mail!" he said, surprised. He walked around and back to the kitchen. "Hmm..I know! The people who hate me thoroughly! That's who I'll read my first letter EVER in front of!"

***

A week later, Harry was on the floor. Not because he forgot to add just the right amount of syrup, either. Or that he breathed too loudly. Nor when he showed himself to the neighbors. Or that he sat on the remote on the couch. Or that he was on the couch at all. Or that he had longish hair. Or that he had hair. Or that I'm writing another long list of things. Or that he wears glasses. Male. Or that he's Harry.

It was because they now lived on a rock.

A rock.

Also, a very small island.

During a storm.

The rock was cold.

Very.

Cold.

Life is meaningless. *Group of people snap."

Harry was counting down seconds on Dudley's pure gold watch. It was almost his birthday. It would be in about 3 minutes. Harry looked at the dust ridden floor. In two minutes, he made a birthday cake like object on the floor, with 11 candles. He looked at Dudley's watch for a while. He started counting down. "15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1." He said. "Make a wish, Harry." He said, blowing the dist cake. Then, the door crashed down. "My wish came true!" thought Harry. "A magic FedEx man came with my Nintendo Wii!"

***

Hagrid, a half giant, was showing Harry around the Leaky Cauldron. After meeting the sssttuddering Profrofesssssor Quirrel, and the male person who was attracted to Harry's hand like a bug to a light, a robber to money, or an average American to McDonalds. They went outside. There was a wall. Interesting.

A long, uncomfortable pause occurred. "Uh, Hagrid?" said the person who was obviously not Hagrid. "What now?" "Well, 'arry, it's simple once you get the hang o it." said Hagrid. With his, um, umbrella, he tapped a few bricks. For a while, nothing happened. At all. Then, though, something did. The bricks moved out of the way and made a little hole so that Harry and Hagrid could get inside.

They were now inside the magical place known as Diagon Alley, or it can also be referred to the Artist Formally Known as Diagon Alley. Anyway, Harry was amazed. Never in his life had anything like this happened to him. He never once saw something he did not know about. (Well, except that one time when, the Dursley's went to see a movie, and gave Harry some popcorn and a soda to see some other movie, Harry walked into an R rated movie. It showed him the meaning of life. And also how to make life.)

"Hagrid." said once again, the person who was obviously not Hagrid in the group of two people this story is about. "What is this place?" he asked. "Well, arry, it's called Diagon Alley." "Wow, this is so cool and... wait, Diagon Alley?"

***

Harry and Hagrid were in the Leaky Cauldron after a nice days shopping. This was a big moment for Harry. Not just because he was actually with someone who did not hate him. Nor that he got his first pet. Or that he learned he will not see the Dursleys for a whole 9 months. No, this was the first time a previously unknown man who isn't his father takes him to a bar on his eleventh birthday. A true milestone in any man's life.

Harry was happy, until he remembered the night before. Or, technically, the very first minutes of this morning. Hagrid mentioned something about Harry's parents dying a different way than the Dursleys taught him. "Uh, Hagrid?" said Harry. "Yeh, arry?" said the person who Harry asked the question to. "How did my parents die?" "I expected this. All right then, arry, and listen up, cause you need to know not all wizards are good. Some are evil. Like You-Know-Who." "No-I-Don't-Know-Who. What's his name?" Hagrid sighed. "I'm only going to say this once, so here it is. V-Voldemort." he said, shivering at the mere mention of the name. "Well, from what I know evil people can strike fear into anyone. Is this true with Vold-er, You-Know-Who?" asked Harry. Hagrid thought about this and said. "Yes.

"How?" asked Harry. Hagrid told him. "Well, just imagine the most frightening thing you ever had to do or see. Harry shuddered. He once had to take a bath after Dudley. With the same water he used. They also had Physical Education that day. Hagrid continued. "Well, imagine it ten times as worse and..." Hagrid said, but was cut off by Harry vomiting onto the floor.

***

Death, I mean End Note: Peaceful ending, no? Anyway, I hope to get back on track from this one out. Or in. Whatever. Please review. Even if you read up to this point, PLEASE DEAR FRIGGIN GOD REVIEW! FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, JUST DO IT!


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